A man wrote me recently. He complained bitterly about his woman’s attitude of not giving him food whenever the money for feeding hasn’t come from him. In fact (according to him), whatever money she makes is either kept in the bank or is used to assist her folks while(only) whatever he makes is used for the household’ welfare and God help him, the very day he fails to ‘deliver,’ one thing is sure-he will go to bed…hungry!
Such a ‘let down’ attitude from those that are supposedly in a ‘life time journey’… wouldn’t you say? Sadly, that is the reality in most marriages of this age. Marriages with ‘agenda’!
Some women have a disturbing attitude towards money issues in marriage. It is okay if the money is coming from the man but once it has to come from our purse…trouble brews. And it doesn’t matter if we are paying that bill for just that one time-because ‘he that has been shouldering the responsibilities is unable to do so in the meantime.’ Sometimes, I wonder the stuff that our mothers (who used to do all that and more without breathing a word) are made of. I am unrepentant in my views that ‘breadwinning’ is not the natural role of a woman but we must also realize when a case is not the ‘usual’ but a one off incident. If you have the capacity to help out in the home front while your man picks himself up…why not?
Let’s not make marriage what it is not!
Marriage is ‘oneness of spirit and purpose.’ Not ‘his/her own is ours but my own is mine,’ a fair weather affair or an I, me and mine setting. It is called a union because two individuals have supposedly come together to begin living and relating as one. A highly individualistic person should have no business with marriage. If making efforts to accommodate another as part of you or ‘sharing’ doesn’t come naturally to you, marriage is a wrong place for you.
A few years into a marriage and the ‘babies’ are not coming, the man is usually advised by ‘concerned’ friends and relatives to seek ‘solution.’ Right there and then, the vow of ‘for better for worse’ is thrown out of the window as the man embarks on all manner of backyard pursuits. This (to me) is not what marriage is. Be careful what advice you allow filter into your hearing. Your challenges do not worry your spouse any less than ‘it’ eats you up. Therefore, whatever option that is suggested to you and you have to explore it, ensure it involves ‘carrying your partner along.’ Anything less is betrayal. Couples should learn to stand by each other, seek solutions together and carry each other along-every step of the way!
The reason why a marriage emerges stronger where another packs up is in the attitude of those involved. While some focus on standing by each other and having each other’s back as they go through challenging times, others have their focus on the exit door. Nothing gives strength like having that one person that is dearest to you stand by you through trying times. Sometimes, it is not the challenges that kill one’s spirit but the attitude of those who should stand by him/her.
The ability to put one’s self in the shoes of another is what I wish everyone imbibes-especially as they go into marriage. That is the only way you can rightly gauge how abandonment feels-where care and support will do, how selfishness feels where selflessness can turn things around and how betrayal feels…where all you want is loyalty!
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